April 1, 2024
Former President Donald J. Trump today threatened to “TAKE AWAY THE SUN” next Monday unless his demands are met. Posting on his Truth Social account, Trump demanded that all charges against him be dropped, characterizing his judges and prosecutors as “CROOKED AND CORRUPT.” He went on to admit he “COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY” despises them for allegedly interfering in the election.
Politico opinion columnist Ashton Martin was among those noting on X, the site formerly known as Twitter, that “there was already an eclipse scheduled for next Monday” and that Trump was apparently trying to trick voters into thinking he has the power to make the Sun disappear. Televangelist Bobby Scoundrel told his AM radio audience that “it will be a powerful sign that even the Almighty bows to President Trump’s greatness. President Trump is truly the Light of the World”
Reports that armed MAGA vigilantes plan to form a pickup truck convoy stretching from Texas to Maine next Monday to prevent shoplifters and “illegals” from taking advantage of the darkness could not be independently confirmed at this time. Texas Governor Greg Abbott warned Women that he’d personally lasso them with barbed wired if they try and leave the state, under cover of darkness, to obtain reproductive health services that might include birth control or abortion.
A spokesperson for the Biden campaign shrugged their shoulders and dismissed all the hubbub as nothing more than an April Fools prank gone wild. The guests on MSNBC and Fox News dismissed that assessment as naive or disingenuous, respectively. Panelists on The Five concluded that it was a Deep State plot to make (former) President Trump seem crazy. The talkers at MSNBC advised viewers to stock up on water and canned goods in case Trump, with the backing of shady foreign billionaires, really does have the power to take away the Sun.