April 1, 2026*
In a surprise, yet not totally unexpected, follow up to Saturday’s massive No Kings mobilizations, Supreme Court Justice “Yosemite” Sam Alito issued a decision this morning. Ruling on a hastily brought “Shadow Docket” case by the Trump Administration, Alito said that the Constitution does not prohibit kings. Reasoning that just as the country’s founding document makes no specific mention of a Right to abortion, it contains no explicit prohibition of monarchy either. That, combined with the Court’s prior Presidential immunity ruling, means that President Trump is free to declare himself King. Adding an important caveat, Alito warned that the President must say the magic words “official act” before making such a declaration or complete and total immunity might not be applicable. Justice Sonia Sotomayor just shook her head and muttered underneath her breath, “same shit, different day. Of course I dissent.”
In the White House briefing room, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said that President Trump would be announcing his self coronation as King Donald I (‘King Donald the First’) later today by tweet. A Fox News correspondent asked if this means that the Midterms will be cancelled after all. Leavitt snarled, “what a stupid question! Of course they will go on or not go on based on how His Majesty feels on Election Day, or on any day prior. How dare you question our Lord and Savior, King Donald!” as security roughly escorted the shamed reporter out.
King Donald I and the Royal Court.
Senator Lindsey Graham appeared overjoyed by the announcement. “I’ve always said that President Trump was chosen by God for something much greater than the Presidency, and this proves it.” Secretary of State “Little” Marco Rubio said that as King, Trump “can now simply decree that the Strait of Hormuz is open and Iran can’t do a thing about it.” Secretary of War “Pistol” Pete Hegseth praised the news and said, “it’s a killer move and not at all woke like something girly man Biden would do. It’s lethal as all Hell because now our savage warfighters can pillage Iran or any other country that doesn’t bow down to the greatest King in American, or frankly World history.” Adding that pillaging has already begun in Venezuela and Cuba, Hegseth gave a “Roman salute” and yelled “hail Victory! Long live the King!” before exiting the briefing room. Convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell said she plans to return to her US Virgin Islands estate after King Donald grants her a Royal Pardon and executes the team that prosecuted her.
Pundits immediately speculated over the line of succession. Although the Constitution says the Vice President is next in line, a monarchy is slightly different. A male heir would normally ascend to the throne, so in this case, that makes Don Junior the new Crown Prince of the United States. The Washington Post published an editorial asking if the timing of this announcement, on April Fools Day, was significant or just a coincidence. One commenter going by the alias “S_Bannon” replied cryptically, “There are no coincidences.”
In his first official act, King Donald I signed a Royal Executive Order transforming the now vestigial US Capitol into a monument to himself. The new “Big Beautiful Trump Palace” will be completely covered in gold leaf and repurposed as an event space for the King’s oligarch friends to party in, without any politically correct or woke limitations, and safe from the prying eyes of commoners and the Lying News Media. An anonymous Royal advisor, risking the death penalty for an unauthorized leak, informed the Gazette that parties with matters pending before the King are encouraged to contribute generously to the project to ensure a favorable outcome (thanks Susie!).
Artist’s rendition of the planned Big Beautiful Trump Palace (former US Capitol).
*https://www.history.com/articles/april-fools-day
Photos: via White House Press gallery.
