April 1, 2025
An Inwood Gazette Exclusive* 
Editor’s Note: This exclusive Inwood Gazette interview with President Trump took place after the State Dinner for the King of Greenland last night.
IG: Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. President. You gave us all quite a scare and we’re relieved to see you’re ok.
DT: Well, I would say much better than OK. I feel perfect. Always do.
IG: Can you tell us about what happened at the State Dinner last night?
DT: Sure. I’m telling the King I’m gonna annex his green land because I want it for a golf resort and, you know how they say never talk while you’re eating? Well, when you’re the President you actually can if you want to. Article 2 says Trump can do anything he wants. Anyway, somehow something goes down the wrong pipe, so I’m told. Maybe. We’ll see. Which is very strange because I chew my food perfectly – and the next thing I know, my entire life is flashing before me, like in the movies.
IG: You thought it was all over?
DT: No, not at first anyway. That’s what the Fake News media will say though, probably. Perhaps. For one thing, I had Bobby (ed: RFK Jr) right there by my side, so that was great. He held off a couple of people that tried to rush me. He’s very strong! A real warfighter!
IG: They said they wanted to provide the Heimlich Maneuver.
DT: Heimlich, Schleimlich, it’s been debunked. Many people are saying that. Bobby told me it actually does more harm than good, and potentially causes Autism and other nasty things. We’re strongly looking into banning it. Taking Vitamin A is a better way. Or bleach. Anyway, it’s only for people that choke, so it’s not meant for me in any case. Obviously.
IG: Tell us more about that moment.
DT: Well, it was like something from a movie. All of a sudden I’m seeing this big, strong guy with tears in his eyes, a real tough cookie, right out of Central Casting, and he goes, “Sir, I want to thank you for all the wonderful things you did in your lifetime.” And, all this is in my mind’s eye you know, and I’m thinking, “what the hell is he talking about?” I mean is it the massive tariffs, gifting Ukraine to Russia, deporting migrants to the torture jail in Mexico or wherever it is, or…I mean there are so many wonderful things I’ve done, right? More than any other President, perhaps, in history. Even more than George Washington, people are saying. Especially many more wonderful things than Sleepy Joe, or should I say Crooked Joe Biden, who was a disaster like has never been seen.
IG: Uh huh.
DT: Then he goes on and spells it out: for strongly helping the sick and poor people, for making sure that everyone has enough food to eat, and a clean environment for their children and making it so not just a few people have everything while the other 99.9% fight over road kill.
IG: Interesting.
DT: And I’m like, wow what’s with this guy? Is he some kind of nut? I never did any of those things! Only a sucker would do them, a sucker and loser and I only ever win. Then, in the dream or whatever, it starts getting dark, like a candle going out in the wind. You know that song, right? And then the guy tells me, this big tough guy with the tears, that the whole World is sad because I’m in Heaven now. Heaven! Can ya believe it? But that I live on in everyone’s heart because of all my kindness and generosity, yadda yadda. He says I left the World a much better place than I found it, and I had to agree with that, but I didn’t like the ‘left the World’ or ‘in Heaven now’ part very much. It got me thinking. About legacy. About Trump’s legacy.
IG: Is that why this new EO?
DT: Yes, exactly. In that moment – as my life flashed before me, just the idea of J.D. becoming President made me want to puke so badly that the food just popped out or whatever and I was finally able to talk and breathe again. It was another fight, fight, fight thing for me like that time in Pennsylvania. I just don’t know where I get the strength. Or the courage, frankly. It’s in the genes, they say. I have very good genes, the best genes. German genes.
In that instant I decide to dedicate my remaining time on Earth to helping others. I mean, I’ve got enough money already, right? I’m rich. Really, really, incredibly rich. You wouldn’t believe it how rich I am. Maybe not Elon rich, but perhaps I am. We’ll see. So the EO fully funds and restores all the do-gooder programs that Elon cancelled for me last month. And it calls for an immediate transfer of wealth from the richest people and countries to the poorest ones so everyone is treated fairly. And no more tariffs. I’m for open borders and free trade now! I also ordered the environment to strongly clean itself up like never before, perhaps, and have pallets of cash delivered to Iran so they won’t want to nuke us.
I’m pardoning all the criminals and letting them all go free. Well, all the White ones, anyway. It’s all in the EO, all that and more. It’s the greatest EO in history people say. I’m wondering why did I walk through crowds with my eyes turned down before, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode? Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me?
IG: Quoting Dickens now, nice. You said that after the “food just popped out or whatever” you were able to breathe and talk again. Do you recall what you said right after that happened?
DT: Yes, I said APRIL FOOLS! I didn’t sign that EO. It was done by Auto Pen, so it doesn’t count! It’s VOID! And VACANT! Just like Sleepy Joe’s corrupt pardons. I’d never do any of that phony baloney Mother Teresa stuff or talk like that, obviously! Except the big, strong guy with tears part. That’s something I really would say and I have said. Many times. And I’ll keep on saying it. Strongly.
IG: Thank you, Mr. President.
/s
Photo: The White House
*Disclaimer: Not a real interview, obviously. April Fools. 
